I think it absolutely fits. It goes back to not being able to ignore how I feel about something, not being able to be ok with spending my time and energy in ways that are not fulfilling on one level or another.

I don't know, I seem to be wired in a way that makes it very hard for me to find the value of something if it's not there directly for me.

I couldn't say: "Oh well, I can be ok working corporate IT if the company's mission is something I can get behind" - that just wasn't enough for me.

It's not an option for me not to have my whole self in whatever it is I'm doing.

In corporate work it was very hard to be ok with not being able to put up with stuff, not being able to roll with the punches. That was always challenging.

It made me feel like I had the problem and everybody else was ok with it - I would be the only one bitching about it...then I looked like the problem employee.

I think, for me, it's having a practice of connecting to myself...and it's so challenging to do just that.

I'm 38 yrs old now. And it's only in the last - I don't know, 3 years that I've started learning how to listen to myself - to connect to myself in a really deep way - so I can make decisions on how I live, and what I do with my business, from within as opposed to always looking out.

It's so not easy! I feel like I'm still a baby in that process.

When I'm not connected to myself everything gets so much harder. It becomes this pull: I am one way, I am who I am - but when I'm not connected to myself that's when the outside influence starts.

That's always really uncomfortable - like being pulled out of myself.

There are days when I'm like: No! I don't feel like connecting with myself!

I'll go watch tv - and that's so not helpful.

The other thing that I do is try to surround myself with people who are mostly like-minded, who get the value of connecting with yourself - and are not out to tell me that their way is the right way.

A big part of the process for me was finding a group of people who appreciated what it was that I wanted to do.

Some of it is letting go of what isn't within my control. That's really hard!

As I get to know myself more I may discover that I need to shift directions. It might be a big shift, or it might be a small shift.

Sometimes I find myself wanting not to be open to the possibility that there could be a shift needed in order to be fully me...

So it's kind of like wanting to have something that's defined, something that I understand. Sometimes the possibility that, as I get to know myself more, I'll move into uncharted territory - feels kind of scary.

And - even though I tell my clients: "It's ok if you need to change directions" - it can be hard to stay open - fully open...

It is ok, but it's really uncomfortable and really easy to want to latch onto whatever is right now just because I understand it.

I think that it's...it's this thing where I can't tolerate bullshit!

In some ways it's a blessing and a curse - at the same time - which I'm sure a lot of people's favorite traits are.

It's like this: if there's something I don't like or I don't want to do, if it's something where I'm wondering: "What is the value of this?" - I can't - I just can't do it.

If I do it then I am kicking and screaming the whole way - and I can't hide that either!

Even when I was in 2nd grade (I don't remember this, but my mom pulls this story out) my teacher wrote something on my report card like: "There's never any question how Victoria feels about what we're working on."

I've never been good at hiding, and I can get in trouble with that. Especially when I was trying to work in corporate.

It's not always helpful to make it obvious how I feel about something. It's not the best trait to not being able to hide: "This is so lame!" or "Why are we wasting our time on this?".

I've told myself: "Victoria, maybe you need to work on just making the best of it."

Clearly the message from the 2nd grade thing was: she needs an attitude change!

There were a lot of times when I didn't appreciate this trait. It's easy for me to take it for granted, because - how can I not? I don't see any other way to do it. How would it even work any other way?

But I think that trait is what kept me from being able to just make do with a job that didn't make me miserable, but wasn't enough.

...in some ways this was my beacon...it almost pointed the way to how and where I needed to be.

I haven't been reading tons lately. A lot of my focus has been in the realm of creating things. I don't have the bandwidth to also be absorbing information.

But I think if I had to list a book - a big book for me, one that I really like and have picked up again and again, is - The War of Art.

It was really comforting in the sense that it affirmed a lot of what I was experiencing in terms of trying to write for my blog - and how difficult that was.

I think about resistance in terms of what's the underlying need - and how can you meet that need so the resistance is dealt with in a compassionate and nonvioilent way.

The book was really instrumental, though, in helping me understand the whole fear of success thing - and the consequences of moving forward in the thing you're wanting to do - what being successful is going to mean for you. And that is, a lot of times, what we're really afraid of!

...I knew that working as an IT wasn't "it" way, way, way before I knew what I would do instead. That was really frustrating - and uncomfortable, because I had to keep supporting myself somehow while I worked through what I wanted to do instead...

...then it was this long process of figuring it out...

A lot of it came down to getting comfortable with not knowing whether I had it right...

That's a huge huge pattern for me: am I doing it right? - right vs. wrong - black vs. white...when you try to apply that to figuring out what your thing is, it does not work!

It's instant stuckness - because then you don't want to try anything.

For me there was a huge piece where I was trying to find my purpose - which meant looking outside myself to some predefined purpose that was already set up...

That's a heavy way to approach it - it puts a lot of pressure on figuring out - What am I supposed to be doing?

I knew that wasn't working for me, and it made a lot more sense to go - You know what? I think it's really about trying things and creating what it is that you want from within yourself as opposed to trying to find the answer "out there".

I started trying different things...finding really little things that I could just explore - that didn't involve a big time commitment and weren't expensive - just to see.

...the things had to be small enough so that they would overcome my fear of - What if this isn't it?