When you're finally so sick of not writing - sick from not writing; words knotting around chambers of the heart, sending tendrils into the vocal chords
and you look at the list of ideas/first lines you've been keeping (which you've used to console yourself: "it's ok, lists are a form of writing")
And nothing, nothing wants to come to the page.
And the list looks like this:
Ferguson - seriously? Address in one post both my own ignorance about racism (that bad even today? YES! hello! wake up, Karen!!) plus talk about the heart-closed hate and injustice in our world - while weaving in hope, because grace and love are there as well. Is that even possible?
My (infant) son's death 24 years ago (in August - the same month Robin Williams died) and how Robin Williams' suicide brought back memories of that time. How Robin (as Dr. Sayer in the movie Awakenings) broke my heart (in a good way), reminded me of grace, and pulled me away from bitterness as I reeled from insensitive medical professionals' comments (like: "That doesn't mean anything, it's just a reflex - like a chicken without a head").
Attempting to craft my way out of depression, i.e. letting the Black Dog play with (knitting) sticks (it feels trite to consider writing about this in lieu of the heavier shit at the top of the list),
more stuff that seems trite (which causes me to ask myself what my reason for writing actually is (sometimes the question I ask myself is: "why the fuck do you bother?")…
silly things like the note on the bathroom door that Slightly-British Daughter offered to rewrite because all that needed to be said was: "Don't use the downstairs bathroom!", but I'd written an unnecessarily wordy explanation that spanned two pages,
which caused me to remember that when my girls were in school (we unschooled later) they were the only ones in their classes who WANTED to use the dictionary: "Quick, get the dictionary. Do NOT ask mom, you'll get a really long-winded explanation."
So you (or rather, me) put your head down on the table and cry a little, and wish that the tears could gather into words and paragraphs (that help and heal) and migrate to the blog, fully formatted.
That's where I am right now, writing lists of blog post ideas I can't write blog posts about. But hey, lists are writing, right? So that's what I offer you (with love).
Want to hear me wax eloquent on the 4 A's: awareness, allowing, acceptance and appreciation (i.e. celebration!) - of yourSELF! As you are. Now.?
Yeah? Good! Then check out Square-Peg Celebration: Stories of Acceptance and Grace.
It comes with a gorgeous 47-page pdf including the essays, Slightly-British Daughter's gorgeous photography, and inspiring quotes!
What are you waiting for? Go on over and listen (there's a free mp3 sample!).