Mari's got a great laugh - and a deep story. She's lived through a lot, yet seems to gravitate toward gratitude and joy. And her smile - ohmyword! Come meet her!
How Do You See Yourself as a Square-Peg?
I get caught up between what's nature and what's nurture: are we born this way or is this the way we're raised and life experiences make us this way?
I think about my oldest son, who was definitely born a Square-Peg. I knew this, but nobody else agreed with me: "Aw, you're just looking for problems."
But his 1st grade teacher, in our very first parent-teacher conference, scheduled us last on the last day of the conferences. And I thought: "Oh boy, what's going on?" We were in the 1st grade class, sitting at those little tiny tables (my husband is 6'3" so he was just about ready to fall out of the chair),
and she looks at us with kindness, but also very serious, and she says: "Eric is wired differently than any other child I've had in 20 years of teaching. He goes from A to B in a completely different way than anybody else."
I wanted to reach across the table and hug this woman because somebody finally validated what I was thinking!
Then she said: "Because we know this, we can embrace it and work with it." He's 25 now, so this is a long time ago - he is so comfortable in his own skin, in being who he is - because his parents didn't make him feel weird.
So in thinking about that, I didn't have parents who got that about me. Or if they did they didn't know how to work with it. I was very introverted and very shy.
I had an introverted mother who was NOT shy, who could not understand my shyness. And I had a very extroverted father who was shy and wasn't involved with us at all.
So they ended us with this highly sensitive daughter - after two rough and rowdy boys - and they just didn't know what to do with me.
When I cried or expressed emotion, as highly sensitive people do, it was: "Oh, don't cry - you're being a baby!" - a lot of feelings were stuffed. I always felt like the odd person out in my family.
In school I felt that way a lot, too. You know how everybody gets nicknamed in middle school? I was nicknamed Bright Eyes. That comes from the Planet of the Apes. They nicknamed Charlton Heston Bright Eyes because he was different from everybody else. It wasn't a nasty nickname - but it came because I was different from everybody else.
So I don't know if I was born that way or things just kinda popped out because of the way I was raised - it's probably both.
As life went on I lost my five babies and was going to a support group with other people who had lost babies. They were starting to have healthy babies and I was the one who was still losing them.
I remember sitting in the group, where you go around and introduce yourself and tell your experience, and I saw eyes start to get bigger and bigger as I told my story. And I thought: "Here I am, supposed to be with my tribe, with people who get me, and I'm still different."
That's when I created my own support group - back in '88, before the internet got going. I connected people by the types of losses they had, so they could write letters to each other, and that's how I found a whole world of people who had experienced multiple losses - and a whole lot worse than I ever thought of. And I didn't feel so alone!
It was a reminder that we do have a tribe out there somewhere - and we just have to keep looking for it. We don't have to just fit in and try to be what everybody else is.
You have these experiences, you can embrace them - you don't have to like them, but if you embrace them and own them you really can create something positive. And that's what I've tried to do - and I think that's kind of the crux of my Square-Pegness (I don't know if that's a word, but I like it).
How Do You Maintain Your Square-Pegness in a Round-hole World?
I was one of those kids that had to please. I think a lot of kids that grew up with alcoholic parents either become alcoholics themselves or they become that child that tries to be the peacemaker.
I know that sounds just awkward and kinda awful, but I've talked to other women that have the same thought: that in losing their mom they kind of found themselves again.
Watching my sons has also made it easier.
We talked earlier about my older son who was born a Square-Peg, my other son definitely is too, but in a completely different way. It's SO amazing to watch young adult kids become independent and live their lives - to be so comfortable with who they are.
They're my role models actually. That's kind of ass backwards, but they encourage me to be who I am, and they like who I am - that really gives me power to be who I am!
My parents died 4 months apart. After my mother died my father lived with me, then he was in an accident and in the hospital for 30 days. That was really traumatic. Then a few months after that I got really sick.
My self-care was not very good and I needed to do something to connect back with my body. I was feeling such a huge disconnect with my body; I probably always have, to be honest.
So, in the morning I try (before I get out of bed) to spend a short time meditating - even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes. I like to go 20, that feels better - but it depends on how my day is shaping.
Then I get up and do some cat-cow movements from yoga - just to get some fluidity going in my back and muscles. I'm getting older and that helps me get back into my body a little bit.
Then, depending on what's going on, I might spend the next half hour writing in my journal, doing morning pages - or I might take my shower, grab my notebooks, and go to Starbucks or some place where I can hear other people laughing. I love to listen to people laugh. If people are being laughy, I can sit next to them and write for hours - it just feels good!
Writing has really got me connected, especially in the last 6 months - some good stuff has come out of that.
I also try to get outside for a short time. Even if it's 5 minutes looking at the little doves nesting on wall next to my door…I like to tiptoe through the tulips and smell the roses. It's sappy - and I like that kind of thing.
In the afternoon, when my energy starts getting kinda wonky, I do my yoga practice. That has been key for me. I think when we're grieving we really kind of implode on ourselves, almost kind of curl up in a ball.
Grief has such physical symptoms that we just don't think about. You feel heavier, you're just all closed up. Yoga is a way of kind of opening up, opening the chest up and breathing…
Sometimes I'll get an hour of practice in and sometimes it's 10 minutes, sometimes it's just sitting there breathing. But it's that connection to sitting down on the mat and asking myself "Where are you today?" and meeting myself right there - with lovingkindness.
That is where I've opened up my heart again - it's gotten me back into a real grounded place and I'm trusting myself more. Trusting that I'm doing the best I can, that I'm where I'm meant to be - and it's all OK.
It took me a long time to learn that.
What's Been the Hardest for You as a Square-Peg?
I'm at a point now where I'm embracing what's me - and embracing being a Square-Peg. And hey, if you don't like that that's fine - that's your problem. You don't have to like me. That's very liberating in itself.
Looking in and thinking about what I really want, instead of what everybody else wants, that's been the biggest thing.
I went on a retreat with Fabeku and talked about my superpower. We determined that I'm a beacon of light. It sounds so grandiose to say that.
The funny thing about that - after we did the exercise I texted my youngest son, who's a psych major, in grad school for psychology (he's been practicing on me since he was 5) and I said: "Did you know I'm a beacon of light?" I thought he was going to say something sarcastic back, but he wrote: "Yes Mom, I have always known that."
There was no sarcasm, no "that's a crock of crap", none of that - it was: "Yes Mom, I have always known that. And now I'm glad you do."
When I think of the beacon of light, there's safety there, there's a grounding there, there's light shining on the dark areas - which makes it so less frightening and that's something I needed.
I think we all need our {own} superpowers as much as we need to give them to other people.
What's Your Favorite Square-Peg Trait?
I'm also curious about other people and what makes them tick. My mom was nosy, I'm not nosy. I don't want to know what the neighbors are doing unless they want to tell me, but I'm curious about what makes us tick and what's going on in the world. I think it helps me be more compassionate and have more empathy.
You know those tests you take that identify your strengths? I took one of those and my greatest strength turned out to be that I'm a learner. It's so true - I just adore learning and being curious about a zillion things. I like that about myself!
What Are Your Favorite Books?
In thinking about the books I've read several times (which is always a good indicator to me)…
To Kill a Mockingbird is way up there, there's just something so beautiful about that book - it takes my breath away when I read it.
I loved all of the Harry Potter books. Good versus evil, it's like Star Wars in England, I just loved all of them and reread all of them several times.
A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. There's something about the way John Irving put that together that's just delicious. I like a lot of the classics, like The Secret Garden and Little Women, Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre. I love the old books.
And there's a really cool book called The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. It's really an amazing little book. I've had everybody in the family read it. Some of them are readers, some are not - but every one of them loved it.
Those are the novels I love. The nonfiction I read: anything by Pema Chödrön, I just love her thoughts - especially on an airplane, there's something calming about reading her on an airplane.
I love Brené Brown's work: Daring Greatly, The Gifts of Imperfection.
You can visit Maribeth (who is, among other things, a certified Creative Grief Coach) at her blog.
*Photo credit Keith Dixon Studios.
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