OK, I'm splat-dab right in the middle of some ugly stuff that I have no control over. I mean NO control...not control over, not control in - nada. And there is almost nothing that brings out the fun in life for me as much as having no control (that's sarcasm, or..well, it might be cynicism - it's some kind of grumbly s*#@).
We've now established that I am not happy with this. Add to this scenario the fact that I am giving myself misery because I'm not enlightened enough to float through the whole situation smiling and passing out sunflowers. And then there's also the grief I'm giving myself because - hey, I must be drawing this ugly stuff toward me, right? I mean - somehow this is my fault.
Blah, blah, blah.
So this morning I had an inner giggle about something, can't even remember what, and I realized - hey, I'm having fun right now. It was a little shocking. Yes, I've felt peace and joy at times - even in the midst of this ugly stuff. And that hasn't stopped me from crying or wanting to throw up at some other point in the day.
I don't know how to explain this, but it was some sort of AHA thing for me - knowing it's ok that I'm not going to walk in any those feelings all the time. Just let them come - let them go. But (so shoot me, I'm not enlightened - grin) I'm going to make sure to notice the happy/giggly/celebratory ones and make the best of them.
And, even in the midst of s*#@ stuff, there are a lot of those times. Listening to The Raconteurs full-blast while driving or Grace Potter (or any one of the awesome musicians Slightly-Brit finds for me). Joking with my kids (who aren't kids). Talking to friends. Watching old Monty Python shows or DVD's of the horrific (but hilarious) "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". And laughing at myself - so many opportunities for that. Like yesterday:
We're heading home through Trenton. As we drive by a huge mural - baseball field and players on a big stone wall maybe 10 ft high and a block long - I mention: "Laur, that's the prison."
Slightly-Brit's never been in this area. She responds: "uh..yeah". It sounded like: "Duh!" I had no idea why. I wondered what that was supposed to mean - and decided to practice my new trick: actually seeing things when I look at them. So I look with new eyes...and yeah, DUH!
There's a guard tower on either end of that 10 ft wall. And a double row of circled barbed wire at the top of the wall. It's likely we passed a sign saying "New Jersey State Prison" as well, but I'm not asking.
(Photo copyright: Lauren Caterson 2008)