Life is grief!
Thankfully, that's not all life is. BUT life is grief.
I have this deep desire that I'm starting to realize may never be satisfied. I probably have plenty of desires that won't be satisfied, but for now I'm looking at this one.
And, lest this post called "Life is Grief" become dark and heavy - LOL, let me say that I've had untold numbers of desires satisfied. Many of those satisfied desires came at me like an over-eager Dalmation - nearly knocking me over! Plenty were totally unexpected - beautiful gifts from the universe - that I didn't even know I desired!!
BUT - there's this one that's looking like it might die on the vine, so to speak.
I wrote about this last night to a dear friend - at that time I was thinking: OK, say I never see this desire fulfilled. How do I want to live my life?
And that seemed like the path I was going down - figuring out, thinking through - how do I want to live IF I never see this deep desire manifested?
Only - this morning I woke up knowing there was something else. I needed to die to the desire. Or, I need to know that the desire is dead - grieve it and keep moving. The whole process makes me think of the spiritual traditions that say when you die your spirit lives on. So we can bury someone, grieve them, and know that we will see them again - but different(ly).
So - my thoughts in this now are along the line of grieving my Disney World-like underlying belief that because I deeply desire this it'll happen. I'm letting the grief in - or maybe walking into it. And so...
Life is grief!
But what I've learned about grief is: it wakes me up, it brings an alertness and eagerness to live in the NOW that nothing else does. It brings me smack-in-the-face with emotions.
And I like that!! I do. Not that I'm saying "bring it on" - because, given the choice I'd probably run fast from pain. But there it is - life is grief and that's ok, even good! And out of this I'm going to get the thing I was talking to my friend about - I'm going to really find out how to live BIG even when I am missing the deep desire of my heart.
What I figure that will look like is related to the picture of Little Princess (above). She looks so eager, she's leaning IN to life. She's up to her gazebo in mud (life is messy - wear boots!), she has no idea what she'll find there - could be a diamond, could be a crocodile (both pretty much long shots, but hey! anything is possible) but she's IN it - there's an excitement, a brightness there that I am going to have.
And THAT desire I can be sure of, because it's one I control!
(Photo copyright: Lauren Caterson 2008)